This weekend our county featured what is called a Parent University, which was a day filled with classes by various speakers. Classes ranged from “Teens and Sex” to “Teens and Drugs and Alcohol” and I was giving a testimony/presentation about “Teen Depression and Suicide.” Since I live close to the Golden Gate Bridge, and work as a suicide prevention hotline counselor, we deal with “jumpers” on a consistent basis. Unfortunately we just lost a high schooler who jumped off the bridge and our topic of teen depression and suicide was added at the last minute, in an effort to help parents understand and see the warning signs of depressed teens.
This Parent University takes place once a year. What was shocking to me was that out of over 500 high schoolers going to this one high school alone, only about 100 parents showed up for the initial keynote presentation. Out of those parents only 11 people showed up to our presentation on Teen Depression and Suicide.
PEOPLE ARE SIMPLY INCAPABLE AND/OR UNWILLING TO DEAL WITH TEEN SUICIDE (or suicide in general for that matter).
So many parents would rather stick their head in the sand and say: “my teen might be depressed but certainly not suicidal.” Until it’s too late. We have on average of 2 people jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge every month. Last year by June we had already reached the 25 mark. And I just read an article that Military suicide has been at an all time high.
Is it any wonder the way this world is heading?
Without getting my readers depressed, the first thing to do for ourselves (and thus the people around us) is to look death in the eye, no matter what that means. Death is inevitable, it’s coming sooner or later, to all of us, not just some of us. What doesn’t need to happen at all is for us to call it quits when the going gets tough. When someone gets that low to want to end their own life, the pain of whatever it is they are dealing with has become too heavy. They don’t really want to commit suicide or die, they just want the pain to stop. And they’ll do whatever it takes to make that pain stop, even if it’s ending their own life. Feeling that kind of pain is pretty devastating and needs a lot of coping skills and tools in our coping cabinet. Something most teenagers don’t have.
Many people I know are committing a slow form of suicide by falling deeper and deeper into a depression within their partnerships or in their life in general. They would rather stick out the pain and stay in a depressed situation than take their courage and start a new life, perhaps alone. “At least living with this person I know what I have, it’s terrible, but I know what I got.” Leaving brings the unknown and that is way scarier for most people. Even at the prospect of finding true love or peace and happiness, most people choose to stay with sorrow and bleakness. And our teens watch this, they analyze this and they soak it in more than you know. If you as a parent are suffering over a long period of time, what are you teaching your child other than “this is going to be you one day.” What teenager wants to live up to that?
The second thing we absolutely have to do is to remove stress. Not only the stress in our teenagers’ lives, but our own. We are way too stressed, watch way too much TV with stressful shows, and there is simply not enough peace in our own lives. Disconnect from this world. Turn your cell phone off for a weekend, unplug your TV from the wall and do something else, go outside or play games. Take it easy, don’t schedule anything. If this can be your life style, congratulations. Perhaps you can manage to implement a few days here and there like this, that’s fine. Start somewhere.
Let’s be honest and open with our feelings to the friends we have. If you don’t have any friends or none that you feel comfortable talking to about your depressions for fear of judgment or whatever, know that you can come here. There is no judgment here. I have been at the depths of life and definitely have felt like Jonah swallowed up by a wale,” and I’m here today to tell you that there is hope, no matter your situation. I’m glad to help.
My light always brighten your path so you can see,
Chaszey
This Parent University takes place once a year. What was shocking to me was that out of over 500 high schoolers going to this one high school alone, only about 100 parents showed up for the initial keynote presentation. Out of those parents only 11 people showed up to our presentation on Teen Depression and Suicide.
PEOPLE ARE SIMPLY INCAPABLE AND/OR UNWILLING TO DEAL WITH TEEN SUICIDE (or suicide in general for that matter).
So many parents would rather stick their head in the sand and say: “my teen might be depressed but certainly not suicidal.” Until it’s too late. We have on average of 2 people jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge every month. Last year by June we had already reached the 25 mark. And I just read an article that Military suicide has been at an all time high.
Is it any wonder the way this world is heading?
Without getting my readers depressed, the first thing to do for ourselves (and thus the people around us) is to look death in the eye, no matter what that means. Death is inevitable, it’s coming sooner or later, to all of us, not just some of us. What doesn’t need to happen at all is for us to call it quits when the going gets tough. When someone gets that low to want to end their own life, the pain of whatever it is they are dealing with has become too heavy. They don’t really want to commit suicide or die, they just want the pain to stop. And they’ll do whatever it takes to make that pain stop, even if it’s ending their own life. Feeling that kind of pain is pretty devastating and needs a lot of coping skills and tools in our coping cabinet. Something most teenagers don’t have.
Many people I know are committing a slow form of suicide by falling deeper and deeper into a depression within their partnerships or in their life in general. They would rather stick out the pain and stay in a depressed situation than take their courage and start a new life, perhaps alone. “At least living with this person I know what I have, it’s terrible, but I know what I got.” Leaving brings the unknown and that is way scarier for most people. Even at the prospect of finding true love or peace and happiness, most people choose to stay with sorrow and bleakness. And our teens watch this, they analyze this and they soak it in more than you know. If you as a parent are suffering over a long period of time, what are you teaching your child other than “this is going to be you one day.” What teenager wants to live up to that?
The second thing we absolutely have to do is to remove stress. Not only the stress in our teenagers’ lives, but our own. We are way too stressed, watch way too much TV with stressful shows, and there is simply not enough peace in our own lives. Disconnect from this world. Turn your cell phone off for a weekend, unplug your TV from the wall and do something else, go outside or play games. Take it easy, don’t schedule anything. If this can be your life style, congratulations. Perhaps you can manage to implement a few days here and there like this, that’s fine. Start somewhere.
Let’s be honest and open with our feelings to the friends we have. If you don’t have any friends or none that you feel comfortable talking to about your depressions for fear of judgment or whatever, know that you can come here. There is no judgment here. I have been at the depths of life and definitely have felt like Jonah swallowed up by a wale,” and I’m here today to tell you that there is hope, no matter your situation. I’m glad to help.
My light always brighten your path so you can see,
Chaszey
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Another great post! I have a 14 yr old right now and he is is feeling the pain of my bad marriage...I will keep communication open with him...I loved the paragraph with "“At least living with this person I know what I have, it’s terrible, but I know what I got.”
I go through that a lot since my wife and I discussed divorce after I found out about her having an affair. I get comfortable with how things are...then I read something like this and my courage to take my life back returns.
I am scared though! I must sound like the majority of women who go through this...but I guess I have a bit of a feminine side being a musician and writer...artists and all!
Thanks again!
Lionel
Dear Lionel,
I believe that all living being, including humans, are creatures of habit. What sets us apart from animals is that we have been given the greatest gift called "choice." Or perhaps we call it a curse at times. Because our choices do have consequences, both good and bad. So it's only normal for us to create a world around us that will feed our ego. And when our ego is threatened we tend to do one of two things, we either throw in the towel and let the other person run all over us out of fear that we will lose that oh-so-comfortable place in our dungeon, or we hit the fist on the table and say: "Damned, no one is taking my happiness or freedom away from me."
Both have consequences. It's like the movie Matrix where Neo was asked to take the blue pill, which would let him wake up the next morning remembering nothing, continuing boring life as it was; or he could take the red pill, which would make him fall into the rabbit hole. What was at the other end of that rabbit hole was a surprise - a surprise that most people don't dare to want to look at, even if it's a good one.
Since my ex-husband left the house our life has become a true blessing. I have accomplished more in the last 4 years than I have in my entire life time. My daughter has been given lessons that I could never have taught her by using mere words, she's an incredible young woman.
She's 14 also, turning 15 this year. She just had to break up with her boyfriend because her Dad made her (he was too old). She obeyed willingly because she didn't want her boyfriend to get in trouble. Did it hurt? Absolutely, but she had a choice to make. One was to not listen to her Dad's thtreats and continuing what she wanted and possibly get her boyfriend in trouble, another was to protect her boyfriend and let him go, not knowing what would come of them.
She made the right choice all by herself. And because she did, she also made a few other choices that completely surprised me.
Through this all she learned from my leaving my ex-husband that you don't stay in a marriage when all the arrangement is a pounding of the square peg into the round hole. She completely understands that it's a waste of time, waste of energy and it will only hurt everyone in the process.
I wrote her a "love letter" from Mom to Daughter, telling her that I was really sorry for her loss and that I was here if she needed to vent or talk (and she has). I also told her that I was proud of her that she would put herself first and that she understood by her actions that she deserves a full relationship in which she can give herself fully, without fear and concerns.
She called me that morning telling me that my letter meant more to her than all the pain she's going through.
Soon she'll be on her own, and in many ways she already is, and all that I have left as a mother is the confidence in myself that I have given her the tools to think on her own two feet. I won't be there when she has to make the most important life decisions of all, by my example will.
And for that I'm so grateful to have left a dead and non-productive marriage, one in which I was not number one, one in which I was a bystander and one in which I tolerated my position as "the wife" but felt so dead inside. I deserve a whole relationship, not pieces of one. And I believe so do you, Lionel, and everyone else in this world!
I always tell myself that everything is forgiveable, but forgivness doesn't mean that I have to continue staying in a situation where I'm not valued 100%. I learned that respecting myself first 100% brings only people to me that do the same. It's absolutely wonderful and a true miracle.
Go get your miracle!
Chaszey
Yes, I am going after my miracle! Your reply was quite inspiring and as the Law of Attraction would have it, came to me at the right time. My biggest fight is to sink back into what I know is comfortable which, in reality is far from comfortable. We just get used to living in dysfunction and that becomes the norm. Well I know in my heart that it is not.
I am taking the red pill!
Love,
Lionel
Thank you again!