A few days ago I wrote that I was going through a difficult time letting some people go. I go through this every so often when I realize that I am spending energy where energy and effort are not appreciated and welcomed to do what I had intended it to do. And before I know it I’m involved in giving, giving and more giving, until I feel drained and sad – because then comes the time when I realize that people are going in circles like rats on their wheels – and I find myself having joined them…
Then I met a super nice person who seemed to defy those rules and the neediness simply wasn’t present. In fact he was refreshing, independent and just fun to be around – happy. And yet he was vulnerable and open in a relatable kind of way, and a fun friendship started off in a great way. Then I discovered that it was wrong, not mutually beneficial and I got hurt. I put him on the list of people I needed to “let go.” And although we’re still friendly there is a big gap between us that I dislike intensely. And every time I run into him, I just want to cry and break down (and I do in the silence of the bathroom stall or the corner of a lonely room), because I miss the innocence of our friendship, or at least what was the beginning of it.
So here to my “almost friend”: “I’m so sorry for whatever it is I have done to you to cause this gap between us and to make you pull away. Please forgive me. I wish I knew what made you pull back so I could change and fix it. But you don’t seem as broken as I feel; my heart is hurting and the crying cannot go on; and so I let you go in peace and I honor your wish to take the space before you move to another State in a few weeks' time. May your life journey be accompanied with unconditional love and happiness, with health and all the good things life has to offer. You deserve it so much.”
And as I am constantly on my journey to improve and to grow and learn and become the woman I truly want to be, it never fails for me to get nuggets of wisdom “from above” - right now in the words from Christian Larson:
“The fact that you have failed to get the lesser proves conclusively that you deserve the greater. So therefore, dry those tears and go in search of the worthier prize. Count nothing lost even the day that sees “no worthy action done” may be a day of preparation and accumulation that will add greatly to the achievements of tomorrow. Many a day was made famous because nothing was done the day before. Know what you want and continue to want it. You will get it if you combine desire with faith. The power of desire when combined with faith becomes invincible. Some of the principal reasons why so many fail to get what they want is because they do not definitely know what they want or because they change their wants almost every day.”
Then I met a super nice person who seemed to defy those rules and the neediness simply wasn’t present. In fact he was refreshing, independent and just fun to be around – happy. And yet he was vulnerable and open in a relatable kind of way, and a fun friendship started off in a great way. Then I discovered that it was wrong, not mutually beneficial and I got hurt. I put him on the list of people I needed to “let go.” And although we’re still friendly there is a big gap between us that I dislike intensely. And every time I run into him, I just want to cry and break down (and I do in the silence of the bathroom stall or the corner of a lonely room), because I miss the innocence of our friendship, or at least what was the beginning of it.
So here to my “almost friend”: “I’m so sorry for whatever it is I have done to you to cause this gap between us and to make you pull away. Please forgive me. I wish I knew what made you pull back so I could change and fix it. But you don’t seem as broken as I feel; my heart is hurting and the crying cannot go on; and so I let you go in peace and I honor your wish to take the space before you move to another State in a few weeks' time. May your life journey be accompanied with unconditional love and happiness, with health and all the good things life has to offer. You deserve it so much.”
And as I am constantly on my journey to improve and to grow and learn and become the woman I truly want to be, it never fails for me to get nuggets of wisdom “from above” - right now in the words from Christian Larson:
“The fact that you have failed to get the lesser proves conclusively that you deserve the greater. So therefore, dry those tears and go in search of the worthier prize. Count nothing lost even the day that sees “no worthy action done” may be a day of preparation and accumulation that will add greatly to the achievements of tomorrow. Many a day was made famous because nothing was done the day before. Know what you want and continue to want it. You will get it if you combine desire with faith. The power of desire when combined with faith becomes invincible. Some of the principal reasons why so many fail to get what they want is because they do not definitely know what they want or because they change their wants almost every day.”
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Hi Chaszey! Another big wow from me to you today. Before I make the connection let me say I hope your tears are now dry for your almost friend. You seem like you would be an awesome person to be around.
Now for the wow part. I spent the last two days in bed sick from food poisoning and I would bet, acting like I am younger than I am. But alot of the time while I was recuperating, I kept thinking "I am doing nothing, so nothing will come of this day"...then I read what you posted from Larson...
it is so very very cool to have this cosmic connection with you my friend.
Love and light to you!
Lionel
Thank you so much for your good wishes. I need them so much today! Just as I refused to get up this morning, still hurting from losing my friend, I received another call from another friend who told me that he would no longer come to my gym as he changed to another gym that offers other amenities. I couldn't believe my ears because intuitively I know that this is God's overall plan; I will most likely never see him again either...
My daughter and I are going through the roughest spot in our parent-child relationship and she was supposed to come home tomorrow and I just found out an hour ago that she refuses to come home. So she'll be staying away for another week.
The "losses" seem endless to me right now and it's one of those days where I feel God has truly given me too much to stand up under it. Then again I trust that just when I think I'm breaking for sure, that a way out will be shown. Right now I'm so numb from the pain of feeling abandoned, I can barely move. Perhaps that is the overall plan - to sit and just be...
Take care of the food poisening thing. Food is here to nourish us just like words are. Our stomachs are here to digest these words and make sense of them. What did you chew off that has proven to be too much at this time?
You're a wonderful and amazing man, and I wish you a speedy recovery and much insights during this time of laying low.
Hugs,
Chaszey
Many hugs going your way as well. The "food" poisoning has all but gone my now but I wonder what spiritual spoiled chicken wings I have eaten as well...you know just about an hour ago I was taking a break from work and thinking about you and the progression of words that have come from your blog.
I have noticed at first things were very light and airy as shown in your writings and your home life seemed stable enough. But my heart grew heavy as I thought about your most recent writings. Now out of pity or "poor Chaszey" but "here is a woman who pours out her heart every day for anyone who wants to read no matter what she is going though...she shares not only the joy but also the pain"
I see/feel you care going through some growing pains and I am excited to see what comes of it. After all of the comfort I have received here, consider my shoulder here for you my friend...to lean on, to cry on...albeit on the cosmic plane.
Looking at your smiling face here I am smiling too, and sending it to you!!
Tons of love to you today!
Lionel
Dear Lionel,
Thank you for your kind words again. Yes, I realized that as well. And a big part of it is also a growing journey for me to be able to share the "bad" with the good. And not to be afraid about what other people think of me when they hear the "bad" about me. I realize over and over again that "what other people think of me is none of my business." What I do care about is that someone else may grow and learn from me sharing my heart ache. Then the sharing is worthwile.
Have an awesome day!
Chaszey